Why I never listen to conventional wisdom

I can grow a lot of things. I have hibiscus flowers that are 12" across, angel trumpets that are outstanding, and bird of paradise that Louisiana Nursery told me would never survive in the ground. I have grown heirloom tomatoes and even babied them through record snowfall! But I cannot grow zucchini.

Everybody and their far-distant-uncle can grow zucchini. I know this because everyone tells me how easy it is and how they have so much zucchini that their neighbors hide when they start harvesting. It's the recommended plant for beginning gardeners, even, because it is so darn easy to grow!

For everyone, that is, but me.

This year is my third attempt at zucchini. The first year, I tried to grow them in pots, but one must be a diligent waterer to grow veggies in pots in Louisiana, and I traveled far too much for success. The second year, they grew, but were quickly afflicted with yellow mosaic virus or something ... the fruit was nice and colorful, but this is a terminal virus. Again, no neighbors hiding from me.

So this is my third attempt. These attempts have not been in consecutive years, mind you, because I find my failure at growing the easiest and most prolific vegetable too discouraging. This year, I got a new variety - Raven Zucchini. It's a space-saver, allegedly delicious, and indeed spineless.

I dutifully planted my seeds, watched them sprout and grow, eventually making flowers with baby zucchini. Yes! I was going to have success!! ME! I was growing zucchini!!

And yes, I watched the first one mature into a nice vegetable, as I watched the second wither away. I eagerly awaited more flowers, but saw only roly poly bugs. And spiders. And eventually, I discovered that squash borers had taken over the plants.

That was it: I could take care of the harmful insects with *gasp* chemicals. And I did! I sprinkled some granules that are supposed to be left on the surface for a day to kill the top-dwelling insect, and then soaked so that it kills the insects beneath the ground. It was a hard decision, but since these plants are far away from all other edibles in my yard, it was worth it.

And I succeeded! New growth, new flowers ... I was on my way.

Until I remembered that these zukes were space-savers and didn't really need that trellis support I'd placed. And my tomatoes (Big Rainbows) needed a little something extra, right? So I removed the support, and in the process, I ripped out both of my then-happily growing zucchini plants by the roots.

I love working in my yard. I really do. But I am eternally grateful that nobody relies on me for food production. One zucchini may be all the success I will ever have.